Stop feeling sorry for yourself. The world does not care and no one will come and wipe your
After graduation, i was interested in preparing for gate by taking coaching, but there was much financial problems, still my mom supported me, she decided to take 1 lakh money from someone, but i was knowing our conditions and also knowing that preparing self was difficult for me though i am self motivated and hard working person still concepts are concepts, if you are studying 10 hours but not understanding each and everything in the way it should be learn there is no meaning, but still i decided that i will put everything and get good results, then i collected soft copy of notes of coaching, went my home from college, started preparing on my own, lived with my mom, got support my from my mom each and every time, getting mocked by some relatives, in self preparation i got so much issues with concepts, but prepared well, living in remote area where no one is to discuss with me over studies, though my mom gave continuous motivation to me, she was standing with me always.
Finally exam day, i have done much mistakes and ended up getting only 39 marks in GATE, loan amount was also increasing due to much interest rate, pressure increased much more, many things happened i can’t explain each and everything here, my mom decided to send me for coaching, arranged money, i came Delhi, joined coaching, till 15 days everything was good, suddenly i felt that i should not join this coaching, i tried myself not to get distract with these things, i was not enough satisfied with my coaching throughout, though things were going good. when i joined, initially i was focused on Gate, but in coaching i got more attracted towards ESE, i prepared mainly for ESE rigorously, test series for ESE started, sometimes i performed well , sometimes average, then finally exam day came, appeared for ESE 2019, paper 1 went well, but paper 2 did not went well, i found it difficult and some questions too calculative and some problems (6 to 7) out of range, checked ans key by coaching, got 182–187 range from both major coaching institute, it become very clear to me, that i get out of prelims. After prelims and mainly not getting good marks, till 4–5 days i did not started for Gate, i felt like not studying properly, after then from 12 January, i started properly, attempted test series, solved previous year and now finally D- day came, paper went ok, i was getting 51 marks, this literally broke me, putting so much effort for something and still not getting result, i felt devastated.
Gate result came, i get 52 marks, rank 2427. I am not interested in M.tech, not getting PSU, not cleared ESE prelims, appeared in ISRO, getting approx 165–170 (though ans key not released), appeared in BARC (not sure for selection), appeared in NWDA, getting 61 marks. Now i am feeling like i am not worth to get good rank in these exams, not a good daughter, everything that comes under negativity and depression is sorrounded myself. My mom is still supporting me and say focus on upcoming Junior engineer exams, do not think much, i am always with you, i am sure that definitely you will one job.
But i became like completely depressed, not confident, thinking to work something, like teaching in anything online platform. There was time in my final year i was not ready to work in less salary organisation, and now i m like i just want something to work for 4–5 hours so that i can earn for myself basic needs, and i think this is the only way to focus on studies again.
finally it feels very bad to be jobless/ unemployed.
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